Ep 193: Understanding Parenting Styles and Their Impact - interview with Kristin Mize, LCSW

In this episode of the Aligned Birth Podcast, Dr. Shannon and Kristin Mize delve into the complexities of maternal mental health, parenting styles, and toddler behavior. They explore how childhood experiences shape parenting approaches, the importance of emotional regulation, and the role of co-regulation in managing children's behavior. Kristin shares insights from her practice, emphasizing that understanding attachment styles and the impact of stress can help parents navigate the challenges of motherhood more effectively.  Kristin also shares her insights on parenting, focusing on emotional regulation and co-regulation techniques. She emphasizes the importance of understanding toddler behavior, the need for practice in emotional regulation, and the differences in how boys and girls may express their emotions. Mize also discusses when to seek professional help for children and the significance of connection and compassion in parenting. The conversation highlights practical strategies for parents to create a calm environment and foster emotional intelligence in their children

Takeaways

Maternal mental health is crucial for effective parenting.
Parenting styles can be influenced by one's own childhood experiences.
Attachment styles play a significant role in child development.
Chronic stress can have a lasting impact on mental health.
Co-regulation is essential for managing children's emotions.
Parents often overcompensate for their own childhood experiences.
Emotional regulation is key to responding appropriately to children.
Understanding that children are having a hard time can shift parental responses.
Energy and emotional states are contagious between parents and children.
It's normal for parents to feel overwhelmed and imperfect.  Calm in the home leads to fewer meltdowns.
Co-regulation techniques can transform family dynamics.
Breathing exercises help both parents and children regulate emotions.
Understanding toddler behavior requires a nervous system perspective.
It's normal for toddlers to express big emotions.
Different strategies may be needed for boys and girls.
Professional help may be necessary for persistent issues.
Connection and compassion are key in parenting.
Practice emotio

Transcript

Aligned Birth Podcast (00:01.963)

Hello, hello, this is the Aligned Birth Podcast. I am your host for the day, Dr. Shannon, and I'm a prenatal chiropractor. We have an interview day today, and it's not necessarily part two, but we're having Kristin Meis on the show again. And so she is a local, I don't think I mentioned this in the last time, but you're local to the metro Atlanta area too. I tend to have a lot of those, a lot of our interviews tend to be.

local birth workers. call you a birth worker because you work with women in the birthing space. But Kristin is a licensed clinical social worker and really focusing on maternal mental health. So earlier we chatted about emotional regulation for mom, nervous system regulation for mom.

because if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy type of thing. But like what that looks like, what that means, taking time for yourself and how important that is to be able to respond to the tasks of motherhood and parenthood and to respond appropriately. So that was kind of the first one we talked about. Today, we're gonna go a bit more into like parenting styles and toddler behavior and maybe the aspect of wanting to parent your child

maybe differently than you were parented and what that looks like, like how do you do that and what that looks like for the parent, what that looks like for the child and what that looks like for maybe like grandparent and mother-in-law aspects and father-in-law aspects of things, can be fun. So that's the goal for the conversation today. I wanna introduce Kristen again though. like I said, licensed clinical social worker and a coach specializing in maternal mental health.

many many years of experience, 20 years in the mental health field and she has both a coaching platform and private counseling practice and she uses that to help women especially in the like overcoming anxiety, overwhelmed perfectionism and people-pleasing.

Aligned Birth Podcast (02:09.75)

and she self identifies as having worked through those things herself. And that's what makes her so authentic in her profession, but so good at what she does. Cause that's one of the legs of, you know, evidence-based research and evidence-based practices, having the real life experience of it. So I'm so glad that you're imperfect and authentic, Kristin. So welcome to the show today, my friend.

Kristin Mize (02:13.794)

you

Kristin Mize (02:25.358)

Great.

Kristin Mize (02:33.87)

Thank you so much. Yes, very imperfect. Recovering.

Aligned Birth Podcast (02:36.86)

You help us all accept our imperfections, which is, golly, it's important. And nothing brings out your imperfections more than motherhood, I think. You wanna know the real you, become a mom. my gosh, no. Such a gift. But yes, I'm so glad you're here again. I'm excited to talk about this. I do want everybody to go listen to the other episode we had, because I feel like it sets the framework maybe a little bit for what we're gonna do.

Kristin Mize (02:41.11)

Yes. It can be scary.

Exactly.

Aligned Birth Podcast (03:05.844)

today, but if you want to give another little background into what you do, why you do what you do, and maybe some of what you see in the topic that we're going over today, like with that lens of like parenting styles and toddler behavior.

Kristin Mize (03:30.158)

Sure, sure. So yes, I went into this work, really ended up in the maternal mental health space. Always knew I wanted to be a therapist. I was first born daughter, everybody's therapist in my family and friend group, but really transitioned into the maternal mental health space about 10 years ago when I was having my own struggles and realized, oh my gosh, there's nobody that really specialized. There were, but it was very limited. Of course,

Aligned Birth Podcast (03:43.914)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (03:59.314)

and I had about a bad struggle with perinatal depression during my twin pregnancy and worked through that and then toddlerhood hit and I really started becoming the mom I said I never was going to be. I was yelling, I was short, I was not engaged very much because I was so in my head with the to-do list and just lots of.

things that were not important. I could not get out of my head and into my life really. And so I really started to dive in and figure out why couldn't I be the mom I wanted to be? Why couldn't I be calm? Why couldn't I be present? Why couldn't I be confident in a lot of things? And so that really kind of led me to the work that I do today. I do specialize in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. So I see women

preconception, pregnancy, infertility loss, postpartum. But as we talked in last episode's podcast, a lot of women, if they don't come see me right after birth with postpartum anxiety, depression, or OCD, then they come to me usually after baby number two, when it just seems like the immense overwhelm becomes no longer sustainable to manage. they say,

Aligned Birth Podcast (05:14.088)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (05:21.833)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (05:26.058)

I said I would never parent like this, I am, and again, rattling off the things that I mentioned. So I do see a lot of women coming to my office who feel like they are not acting, they're not showing up as the mom that they always thought they wanted to. And so we begin the work there.

Aligned Birth Podcast (05:47.152)

Yeah, and then begins the, why is that? You know, and what does it look like to show up? You know, how you wanted to? Yeah, how do you want to show up?

Kristin Mize (05:49.679)

Why? what is exactly? Sure. Yeah. And often I will say disclaimer here, but 98 % of my clients are type A historically, type A perfectionistic, people pleasing, rule following, high achieving, good girls who never got in trouble.

Firstborn I call it eldest daughter syndrome and if they aren't the firstborn daughter then they functioned as one in their family essentially like the little mom, right? and now What they used to do to feel like Okay, I feel good about myself or I feel good enough is no longer sustainable in motherhood. And so they're just Losing it And really high

Aligned Birth Podcast (06:20.36)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (06:39.464)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (06:43.64)

high unreasonable expectations of themselves too. Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (06:47.114)

Expectations. Oh my gosh. Expectations. I'm so tired of expectations now. I'm like, but still. They do. They do. Cause I'll find myself saying that and I'm like, that was unexpected. And I'm like, well why, what were you expecting? Why did you think that? I thought it was going to be like this. I thought my 15 year old son was always going to.

Kristin Mize (06:54.99)

They come at us from a lot of places.

Kristin Mize (07:03.393)

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Love me.

Aligned Birth Podcast (07:11.178)

love me and wanna be with me. And now he just looks at me. No, I'm just kidding. But, well, I think I will say this. I know we're talk about toddler behavior, this whole process that we are supposed to raise them to fly, I don't think that really hit me until we're getting closer to wings starting to spread. And I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Kristin Mize (07:17.452)

I know, I know. Don't try and keep your nose.

Kristin Mize (07:30.456)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (07:36.768)

Yeah, you can. I know.

Aligned Birth Podcast (07:39.314)

I've been with this little person for so long and like I'm supposed to want you to fly away. don't know. So anywho, so all the toddler moms out there, it's coming. Prepare yourself now.

Kristin Mize (07:42.711)

huh.

Kristin Mize (07:46.799)

I know. I know. I know. I used to like roll my eyes out like, okay, it flies. No, it really does.

Aligned Birth Podcast (07:58.941)

It really does. really does. Okay. Are there, and I have no idea what the answer to this question is. Sometimes I know the answer to this question is when I ask them, because that's where I want to go, but this one I don't know. I know that there are attachment styles as far as like secure attachments and I can't remember some of the other words, there's, and then there's not so good ones, you know, where you're very dependent or needy or those types of things or sucking the energy out of areas. But are there,

Kristin Mize (08:18.488)

You

You

Aligned Birth Podcast (08:28.628)

parenting styles in the same sense of that.

Kristin Mize (08:34.036)

So really, the parents are like the pilots of a plane, okay? And your children are like passengers, right? And so we are kind of leading through the way that we parent, you know, how then our children we hope to respond to us. So if we are more on the anxious side, so there's, yeah, there's secure attachments, essentially a secure, healthy attachment.

is where your child knows that even when they make a mistake or even when they have an opinion that is not yours, that you are still, they can always come back to a safe, loving, warm space. Okay, so I can go on my own, but I can always come back, right? An unhealthy or an insecure attachment is, you know, either I don't want to get too close because that doesn't feel safe for me, or I need to be

Aligned Birth Podcast (09:14.826)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (09:27.726)

constantly with you to reassure me that I am safe.

Aligned Birth Podcast (09:30.986)

yeah, avoidance. That was the one word I was trying to come up with. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (09:33.603)

There's avoidant and then there's anxious, right? But parenting styles, mean, I think, yeah, there's lots of different ones, but let's just say if you're a millennial or younger, you might have been raised with a parent who is more authoritative, where there might have been a parent that was more quick to yell or react.

Aligned Birth Podcast (09:50.932)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (09:56.751)

If you maybe felt like you were walking on eggshells in your home growing up again, you know, speaking to the parents of the adults now that might be an indication that you didn't necessarily and not because you know, you were out, you know essentially being physically abused, but you did not feel safe. Let's say making a mistake for instance, you know, were you gonna get in trouble would love go away if you either made a mistake or again

Aligned Birth Podcast (10:13.258)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (10:17.8)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (10:24.759)

went against the grain, let's just say. So there's more authoritative parents than there's parents we know now hovering, anxious parents who don't let their children make any mistakes and they make sure of it. And so they're overly involved and invested in parenting. then you have, yeah, healthy, attached parents with their children will allow their children to make mistakes.

Aligned Birth Podcast (10:38.92)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (10:43.978)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (10:53.535)

know that, and the child and the parent both know, love will remain.

Aligned Birth Podcast (10:57.438)

Hmm. Do you find that if we didn't have that safe feeling or if there was that Maybe the people-pleasing perfectioning thing I don't if that was kind of the basis of what we knew that when we move into Parenthood Do you see us go the complete opposite or like really push towards that?

Kristin Mize (11:14.991)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (11:26.964)

that little safety bubble, making, like hovering. Do you see that we go to that extreme sometimes?

Kristin Mize (11:34.221)

Yeah, so oftentimes we parent either, again, if you grew up in a home where you're like, you know, maybe there was yelling, okay? Because again, there was just a lot, we didn't know about emotion regulation and things like that growing up, or the skills and, we didn't know about healthy attachment necessarily back then. But so if you grew up, let's say in a home that there was a lot of yelling and you vow, I will never yell, right? You can go one of two ways. Some parents, and yes, I work mostly with mothers, so I'm gonna speak generally to that, but.

I see a lot of moms who will let their children do anything and let's say get away with anything and not assert themselves, not set healthy and safe boundaries because they don't want their children to feel the way they did. So they swing, yeah, you can overcompensate from your childhood a lot of times where you will let them do anything. Yeah, again, kind of the opposite of which maybe they grew up.

Aligned Birth Podcast (12:11.87)

Hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (12:20.038)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (12:33.293)

You have other people that unbeknownst to them, only because this is just how neuroscience and behavior science works, that will end up turning exactly into one of their parents that they didn't necessarily want to. Right, I was like, am turning into my dad, right. And that will bring actually a lot of clients to me when they're like, I remind myself of this parent, mom or dad or whomever, and I don't like that, and that's why I'm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (12:44.858)

Mm-hmm. That was like the yelling. I'm like, why am I doing this? I was like, what? I know.

Aligned Birth Podcast (13:00.764)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kristin Mize (13:03.489)

Repeating patterns that they don't want to repeat and so you'll hear a lot of people say, you know Cycle breaker, know generational Cycle breaker and yeah, it's not that again. Let's be clear. I want to trauma or it just doesn't mean there's there's trauma means

Aligned Birth Podcast (13:06.622)

Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (13:11.166)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (13:21.839)

something different nowadays than it did when we were growing up. We call it big T trauma, where you experience one off, maybe tragic events, or obviously if you were physically, verbally abused, financially abused, all of those things. But what we now know, and what that does to your body and your mental health, right? Trauma. What we now know is chronic exposure to stress, meaning your nervous system is on edge.

Aligned Birth Podcast (13:23.882)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (13:50.707)

is actually more harmful to your nervous system and your mental health than big T or one off trauma. So that chronic lifelong exposure to feeling like, I doing enough? Am I, is somebody mad at me? Do these people like me? Am I going to get in trouble? You know, so again, that perfectionism, people pleasing. If you're constantly waiting for another shoe to drop, that really can put you in this state of

Aligned Birth Podcast (14:19.594)

Why are you speaking to me? No. No. Yes.

Kristin Mize (14:22.191)

I wouldn't have a job if we all didn't you know enough people didn't experience this but so essentially what you're doing is we're turning into adults which again as long as we can make everything perfect and we make sure everyone around us is happy and that we feel like we are achieving everything that we can and that we don't slow down and rest then we feel like okay whoo right that feeling of

Aligned Birth Podcast (14:27.74)

Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (14:49.354)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (14:49.515)

now I can finally rest, like when the house is perfect and for 30 seconds, right? But that is the only time that our nervous system and our mind can be like, okay, we can rest now. And before kids, you can do that. You can work longer hours. You can clean your house to perfection because nobody else is going to come mess it up if you use, you know? And so yeah, we can keep doing it. We have the energy to do it. But when we become parents, that

Aligned Birth Podcast (14:54.218)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (15:00.254)

Hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (15:15.85)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (15:17.207)

subsides. If we don't have the energy, we don't have the bandwidth. And so then we start to come unhinged a little, a little un-believe. Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (15:25.482)

Well, yeah, and it's the unhingedness where you're like, wait a minute, something, what's going on here? And if you're brave enough to ask the, why is this happening? Why am I responding like this? Then you can begin unpacking and healing. I'm really glad, okay, I wrote a note last episode, I wrote a bunch of notes too, but this one, the chronic lifelong exposures to stress can give that same trauma.

Kristin Mize (15:34.959)

Yeah.

Kristin Mize (15:38.521)

Yeah.

Kristin Mize (15:50.319)

You

Aligned Birth Podcast (15:53.853)

I do, and I'm even careful in the birth world, because we talk about birth trauma, and a lot of times I'll say stress and strain, because I'm like, birth, to me, birth is all around traumatic, but it not, maybe not like the big T that some people are thinking. I'm not talking shoulder distortion, we had to go to NICU, but it is, it is trauma to the body. So sometimes I feel like the word trauma is triggering now, dear God. But really defining that,

Kristin Mize (15:58.519)

So strong.

Kristin Mize (16:07.072)

There's a comma to your body. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, right.

Aligned Birth Podcast (16:23.088)

Trauma looks differently and it's stored differently and I've even talked to friends before to and I'm talking about something and I very vividly remember saying Well, it wasn't that bad and she stopped me and she was like I don't want you to say that She's like because whatever this was it was big to you and it's okay that it wasn't as big as this over here doesn't negate What was going on here? So you know that maybe you don't have to make it a big thing, but I'm so glad you mentioned that because

Kristin Mize (16:35.489)

Yeah.

Kristin Mize (16:51.491)

Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (16:53.064)

I think sometimes it can give the insight into, okay, why am I responding a certain way and really digging through that and understanding it, but then taking it that step further to say, okay, well, what do I need to do to change? What do I need to do to show up differently as a parent if I don't wanna be like that anymore? Like, what happens there? And so...

Kristin Mize (17:01.027)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (17:17.039)

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Aligned Birth Podcast (17:22.154)

hopefully people reach out to Kristin and work through that. But I think it's important to notice the two different traumas.

Kristin Mize (17:25.453)

Yeah, because

Absolutely. to your point, you know, a lot of people come in feeling guilty that they have certain reactions or emotions because their life is good. And I'm like, I know that, but you are human. these are more coming from, I hate to say it, but like a nervous system reaction first, not hate to say it, but it really is so much coming from our body that if we don't notice it's happening, we don't have control of. And that's where

Aligned Birth Podcast (17:41.482)

you

Aligned Birth Podcast (17:49.994)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (17:58.991)

I hear so many women, say, I wake up with great intentions in the day and I'm losing my shit before 11 a.m. Or they're going to bed beating themselves up saying, I'll try again tomorrow, right? And because I did not, you I lost it at dinner or, you know, bedtime. And I just want to say that is such a normal human experience. And that does not mean that you're a bad mom or you're messing up your kids. It just means you're human and you're recognizing it.

Aligned Birth Podcast (18:13.352)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (18:25.194)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (18:28.435)

Bad moms don't worry about being bad mom. So if you are a mom thinking, my gosh, my bad mom, you're not a bad mom, you're a great mom, you're just having a hard time and you're overwhelmed. And it's coming out. again, with all the intention in the world of not wanting it to the way it does sometimes, that's the work that we do in my office. But also, it's a holistic approach, really.

Aligned Birth Podcast (18:31.028)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (18:56.047)

So there's lots of different things that we get into to try and help them be able to respond more so the way they want to.

Aligned Birth Podcast (19:04.614)

Okay, so let's, because there's, I don't know, I wanted to go into what are some, what are maybe just some examples of what you see in the office as far as like if their moms are coming to you with specific like toddler behaviors, because then I also wanted to if there's the aspects of wanting to parent differently as well too. So like, do you have some real world examples that you want to share?

Kristin Mize (19:16.111)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (19:27.439)

you

Sure, and you know, honestly, I say toddlers, teens, and anywhere in between, because as you said, you we don't, you have a 15 year old, okay, yeah. So again, a lot of the things that are coming up in parents when you have a toddler who's let's say having major meltdowns, tantrums, whining.

Aligned Birth Podcast (19:41.0)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (19:53.039)

Sometimes aggressive behavior and sometimes honestly I've seen a lot of parents are saying my kids energy just never runs out so like hyperactivity if you will and it is just Causing, you know mom either to react or shut down in a way that she doesn't want to But if you think about it, you know having three teenage boys myself, they have meltdowns where they call them crash outs now

Aligned Birth Podcast (20:02.024)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (20:16.618)

Yes, we're speaking the lingo. I know the words.

Kristin Mize (20:21.933)

They have meltdowns, they have big emotions, they talk to us in a way where we're like, where we immediately react. So I see it in all angles, yes, but mostly who come to see me are toddler moms where they are having a really hard time remaining calm when they're, especially like say they're toddler, but also up to elementary age when they're having really big emotions. And so that's a lot of what I see.

Aligned Birth Podcast (20:49.258)

I know Do you What tools do you have or do you offer? Moms in that space as well, too, and I guess maybe part of it goes back to Mom regulating and learning to regulate herself first, but what what? Typically is the outline for helping in that scenario

Kristin Mize (21:18.467)

gosh, yeah, it always starts, people don't like to hear this, but if our kid, first of all, there's like, there are a few different phrases that are my mantras, but are also based in science, okay? And this is kind of what helped me look at behavior in such a different lens. And so the first thing I tell parents is your kid isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. Okay, again, toddler, teen, anywhere in between.

Aligned Birth Podcast (21:43.914)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (21:47.821)

Right? other things are that children are developmentally and physiologically incapable of self-soothing, self-regulating until about age seven. Now, if they're neurodivergent for any reason, that can go up to age 10 because it just can take a little longer for that to develop.

So if you have a three-year-old, you're saying calm down, they don't know how. And so co-regulation is the way where you can regulate yourself because if you're saying you're fine, it's okay, and you're tense, they are going to believe what they observe in us, not what we're telling them.

Aligned Birth Podcast (22:19.326)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (22:36.427)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (22:38.351)

And that can be more too for maybe more of an anxious kiddo like, you're fine, everything's fine. It's gonna be okay, you're fine. Our nervous energy, they're picking that up and their nervous system is becoming more activated the more ours does. So we, as I mentioned, we are like the pilots. If we can remain calm during turbulence, our passengers are more likely our kids.

are more likely to remain calm. But if we are in the cockpit going through a hard time, everybody be quiet, you know, and they're like, what? They're gonna start acting out as well. And so their behavior very much and their state of regulation or dysregulation is very much mirrors ours. And yeah, why moms?

Aligned Birth Podcast (23:06.794)

Yeah.

Kristin Mize (23:24.823)

You know, I don't know, why not dads? It matters too, but you know, there is something neuroscientifically based that they are very much in tune with our nervous system. Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (23:35.243)

I like to say energy is contagious when I mention that, when I talk in the office, because as much as I do love to work individually with patients, I mean it in the nicest way possible, but sometimes stressed out parents raise stressed out kids. And so it's that energy is contagious type of thing. And so it's nice that co-regulation. I love working with families as a whole.

Kristin Mize (23:55.096)

Absolutely.

Aligned Birth Podcast (24:03.69)

because then it's like, it's just everybody is kind of, you know, in that energetic field.

Kristin Mize (24:11.383)

Yeah, and I'll give you a prime example of that. Again, my kids were a bit older, but I started noticing if I came home overwhelmed, overstimulated, again, dysregulated, my children would immediately, and they would be home, they would start arguing. And they had been fine before I got home and immediately would start bickering or playing, I used to call it grab ass, excuse my language, would just start wrestling and you know, three boys that's just constant like WrestleMania.

Aligned Birth Podcast (24:26.836)

Haha.

Hehe.

Aligned Birth Podcast (24:35.05)

Yeah. huh.

Kristin Mize (24:39.817)

And it's because my energy, my activated nervous system state was very much coming into the room and they picked up on it without me saying a word. I might come down and like, like put my purse down or whatever. And I was, I saw it and they didn't even have, and I said, Whoa, you know? Yes. Right.

Aligned Birth Podcast (24:47.135)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (24:54.154)

Yeah, it's the thermostat and thermometer. It's like the the difference is there, you know, do you just take the temperature of the room? Are you setting it? Like it's very much. Yes. So that's what that co-regulation piece. Yeah.

Kristin Mize (25:06.607)

Exactly. So for real, so that's why, yes, I specifically work with moms on helping them learn tools to regulate themselves, you know, and so much. I mentioned in the last podcast, 80 % of our stress or anxiety, frustration, over our stress response originates in our body, not our mind. So yes, we may have anxious, stressful, overwhelming thoughts, but 80 % of the time it's

Aligned Birth Podcast (25:27.721)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (25:36.119)

something that originates in our body, our nervous system. And so I help moms, that's 80 % of the equation, right? Yeah, we work on their thoughts that maybe aren't helpful. They're perfectionistic, rigid thoughts that are harmful to them. But I help them immediately and initially start to calm their bodies down. Because once you can calm your nervous system, you're able to...

Aligned Birth Podcast (25:45.001)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (26:06.243)

think more logically, you're able to problem solve and plan more effectively. But if you are stressed in that fight or flight state, that part of your brain is offline and you're just going based on, know, for all intents and purposes, there could be a bear standing in front of you when really it's just, you have to cook dinner. And so you immediately start freaking out, you know? Yeah, yeah, it really does.

Aligned Birth Podcast (26:08.042)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (26:25.508)

dinner does feel like there's a bear. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah.

Kristin Mize (26:29.151)

Or if we're talking about toddlers, et cetera, it's like, your kid could be having a hard time and this is the third time today and you're just over it, but your body is like, there's somebody chasing me when really it's just your three-year-old doesn't like the socks you picked out. And so, yes, it's so, so important. And nobody gets it perfect all the time. Of course, nobody is. But if we can be the calm, it brings so much more

Aligned Birth Podcast (26:38.356)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (26:42.057)

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (26:52.276)

Mm-mm.

Kristin Mize (26:58.799)

calm to our homes. And when there's calm in our homes, you see less frequent meltdowns and teaching our kids, again, how to calm themselves down with them. But when I started this work, you know, they were melting down, I was melting down, it was not cute. But then we, I started to co-regulate with them, I taught them how to breathe, where to come to breathe with mom when they were overwhelmed or, you know.

Aligned Birth Podcast (27:01.086)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (27:10.984)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (27:28.335)

Toddlers can go zero to 100 and so can teens. But I did this one simple exercise that changed my family's life. When they were having a hard time, this is the biggest co-regulation technique that I teach. If your kid is melting down, tantrum, sad, scared, anxious, whatever, don't talk, don't talk. Don't tell them you need to listen or what's wrong, tell me what you're feeling, because they can't. I invited,

Aligned Birth Podcast (27:28.412)

Hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (27:32.329)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (27:55.626)

Mm-mm.

Kristin Mize (27:57.791)

them in. I'll never forget this was a terrible bedtime one night with the twins and everybody was crying including myself and I said okay and I imagined I was a wet spaghetti noodle because I released all the tension out of my body and I invited them to sit on my lap and I just said okay I want you to put your head on mommy's chest. I think they were about two and a half three around this time.

Aligned Birth Podcast (28:04.744)

Ha ha ha ha.

Kristin Mize (28:25.517)

and we were rocking, rocking can be soothing to their system and to yours, and I asked them to breathe with mom and to try and listen to mommy's heartbeat. Now, maybe there were three, because I think they could understand, like, where's mommy's heartbeat? Do you hear that? What does that do? With breathing with them, I'm calm, they receive this calm energy from me. We're breathing together, that helps regulate.

Aligned Birth Podcast (28:28.873)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (28:53.293)

their nervous system and mine. And then the kicker was having them try to find a sound in the room or again, my heartbeat, is a grounding technique. Using any of their senses is helping them come back online into a regulated space where now we can have a conversation about it's late, it's time to go to bed. But if they're freaking out and I'm freaking out, it's not gonna end well.

Aligned Birth Podcast (29:04.903)

Hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (29:23.184)

Mm-hmm. And we're just feeding off of each other then. Yeah.

Kristin Mize (29:24.365)

But, right, and so I like to say this, to this day, if my kids who are now 15 and 13 are upset about something, like mad, you know, they're brothers, whatever, I will get them to sometimes come give me a hug and we take some deep breaths until.

Aligned Birth Podcast (29:46.984)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (29:48.771)

they're calm and it might take two to three. But of course when they're little, it takes a lot of practice, but it reduced the frequency of tantrums, the duration, like how long they were lasting and the intensity by teaching them these skills of we're gonna calm down together.

Kristin Mize (30:11.129)

And it's just, I love sharing that like, yes, was it hard in the beginning? Absolutely. But then in elementary school when there would be a hard time, I had a kiddo really struggle with anxiety, know, not worries in his mind, but literally his body was just like, you know, freaking out. And so we would, you know, use that again in elementary school. so anyhow, it's instilling through practice now they're knowing, okay,

Aligned Birth Podcast (30:11.252)

That's so sweet. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (30:41.519)

This is how I get myself to calm down. But again, sometimes I can't even do it at 13 and 15. Solo, right?

Aligned Birth Podcast (30:42.964)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (30:47.24)

Well, yeah, the aspect of the practice that you mentioned is key. I'm gonna even relate this to birth. you we talk about birthing positions or labor pain coping mechanisms and stuff. You gotta like practice some of those things. Because does hypnobirthing actually help you? You know, like there's a practice aspect of it.

Kristin Mize (30:52.483)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (31:07.439)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (31:15.102)

to that and then it just becomes easier, more natural. And so it's the same thing with this, I guess like the co-regulation piece. It's, you know, will with calm deep breaths, your regulation will happen quicker, you know? But I think that there's the practice to it and the regularity to it as well. I have to look at that too with care. It's not, you know, with chiropractic care too, it's not like...

Kristin Mize (31:31.119)

Correct. Yeah.

Kristin Mize (31:36.377)

Correct.

Aligned Birth Podcast (31:41.386)

Oh, one and done. When you have a maintenance and a regularity to it, then your body has a better chance to adapt to stressors. So I think that's an important piece to note.

Kristin Mize (31:51.375)

Absolutely. Yeah. Of course, I like to say there's proactive regulation skills or even just like nervous system healing tips that you can do. And again, know breathing in the right way, you know, is the most powerful, I think. But so, yes, there's proactive measures you can take to essentially help yourself remain calm. And then there's reactive.

Aligned Birth Podcast (32:01.319)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (32:05.822)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (32:17.293)

when there is, when I like to say it's, when you get to the big dance, it's like, okay, will these work for me when, you know, there's like Defcon five meltdown happening in front of me. Here's the thing, it's not going to, if you don't practice it regularly. Also, I use metaphors a lot and it's like you showing up to a marathon, never running a mile before, that's gonna suck, right? But if you train, if you run, you know, and build your mileage up to get to that point, you're gonna be okay. And it's the same thing that,

Aligned Birth Podcast (32:23.23)

Mm-hmm.

Ha ha ha.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (32:36.638)

Mm-hmm. Let's see, yeah.

Kristin Mize (32:46.585)

We're building up your stress tolerance by helping you calm down to the point where, you know, the more you practice that, the more capable you are when a big event happens.

Aligned Birth Podcast (32:59.21)

Exactly. Training for the big event. Is there, okay, there's two things that I wrote down. I read this book. I think it's like a Christian based one. I think it's by Sissy Goff, but it's like, or something like raising emotionally intelligent boys or resilient boys or something like that. It was really, really good. And I read that and I really liked it because it mentioned, and we actually got like a punching bag.

for the house and there's like a little like mini gym stuff, like the boys and just needing that like that movement and activity. Sometimes they just need to like run as hard as they can and just like, you know, all of those type of things. And then we have them sit all day in school. Anywho, that's a whole other, that's a whole other topic. It drives me insane. But is there, do you, so part of it was my, I wrote down, what is like realistic toddler behavior? Like, do we have unrealistic expectations of it? And then also are there,

Kristin Mize (33:53.007)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (33:57.599)

Kind of like the tips and tricks for like, there differences with girls and boys and what we look at to maybe help regulate. And then there was another thing I had. It was something along the lines of, maybe it'll come to me. I can't remember. There's the realistic toddler behavior and then the activity for the boys and girls. Yeah. Are there differences there? Yeah.

Kristin Mize (34:18.319)

Sure. Okay. Love that question about toddler behavior. Yeah. I think, again, if you grew up in a home or you were essentially, I don't want to say scared into obedience, but if you had more of an authoritative parent, like you knew, okay, don't show big emotions. They're not met with warmth or, you know, attunement, right? It's like, so you just learn to stuff your emotions. So this is why I say doing things differently than the way we were parented becomes hard because now what we know is

Aligned Birth Podcast (34:24.074)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (34:47.297)

It's extremely normal for toddlers to have big emotions. It's extremely normal for toddlers to sometimes be extremely hyperactive. But here's what, I have to, again, educate a lot on a lot of the things we came to believe about how kids are supposed to act is just not developmentally healthy, right? So there's probably some I'll miss here, but a toddler saying no is not disrespectful, okay?

Aligned Birth Podcast (35:09.45)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (35:15.754)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (35:16.399)

And same with a teenager. Okay, it's using their voice but also toddler meltdowns I want you to think of any time your kid is whining Maybe even aggressive Having a meltdown or a tantrum do not look at that as a behavior Look at that strictly from a nervous system perspective because their brain is not in charge at that point They're dysregulated somewhere in their body

And you're like, well, why? Everything was fine. Well, who knows? We have to look at stress accumulation in their little bodies, OK? Now, stress could be, I'm starting a new school. I didn't sleep well. This could be for adults too, OK? But I didn't sleep very well. I have a new baby sister or brother at home. Mom was yelling this morning. Or, you know, I didn't get to eat a proper breakfast.

Aligned Birth Podcast (35:46.151)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (36:01.182)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (36:11.661)

Right? This accumulates in their little body and they don't have the awareness, they're not supposed to, of, I'm feeling a little dysregulated right now. Maybe I should go take some deep breaths. They don't. So how does it come out? Behavior, okay? But it's not on purpose and it's not to ruin your day. So if you take even just, I often say just look from the neck down at what's going on in them, it's dysregulation. And so what do they need?

Aligned Birth Podcast (36:20.82)

you

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Aligned Birth Podcast (36:31.113)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (36:40.899)

They don't need a lecture. They don't need to tell you what they're feeling. They need to come back to regulation, right? A place where maybe they stop crying. Maybe they stop, you know, their body is more in control. As soon as they can sigh, you know their body is shifting into regulation, right? And so once they're there is when you can have a moment to either

Talk about what's happened or just don't just move forward, right? Because again, I can't stress this enough. They're not trying to not listen. They're not trying to make your morning or make you late. They are just dysregulated. And so how do we help them regulate? Well, yeah, we co-regulate with them, but also connecting with them, looking eye to eye, right? You are safe because the way they're acting is they feel like somebody's chasing them.

Aligned Birth Podcast (37:14.634)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (37:40.259)

Right? So saying things like, you are safe, you are okay in a calm, soothing way can also help bring them down to regulation. But if you say, you're fine, let's go, that's just adding to their level of activation or dysregulation and they're, gonna probably cry even more or quit your crying, you know. And again, these things pop out sometimes because we're human. But for long-term,

Aligned Birth Podcast (37:40.371)

Hmm... Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (38:01.822)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (38:05.64)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (38:09.519)

progress, that's not what's going to help.

Aligned Birth Podcast (38:12.42)

Mm-hmm. It's training them now with that emotional regulation piece so that they can use it when they're older.

Kristin Mize (38:20.781)

Yeah, and I get it. It's so hard because, and two, so then you ask girls versus boys. Honestly, at this point, see a lot of my clients, they can recognize tendencies in their kids already, know, because moms come to me anxious, overwhelmed, you know, like I said. There either is a lot of hyperactivity where they're saying, I think they have ADHD, and it's like,

Aligned Birth Podcast (38:23.401)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (38:39.902)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (38:48.075)

Let's not go there yet. but and also some anxious tendencies as well Boy and or girl it really doesn't matter I see a lot of girls that are super high energy or you know daughters of clients of mine And so for that it is it's about coming up with different ways to dispense energy from their nervous system whether it's anxiety So that's more calming energy or whether it's hyperactivity or you know, you know

Aligned Birth Podcast (38:49.299)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (38:56.638)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (39:17.293)

wanting to wrestle and things like that is actually very healthy for toddlers. It can dispense energy from their little systems. And so it really depends, but what works to help calm one child down or to regulate one child, it may be different from kid to kid. Yeah, and same with adults, same with moms ourselves. It's like,

Aligned Birth Podcast (39:21.289)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (39:35.09)

That's the fun part. Figuring that out. Yeah.

Kristin Mize (39:42.127)

You know, maybe breathing will help me one day or taking time in silence or taking a walk, but sometimes I may need, yeah, a punching bag would be great. You know, it's sometimes, so it really depends and you have to play around with it and be flexible with yourself and compassionate with yourself when one thing maybe didn't work. Let's try something else.

Aligned Birth Podcast (39:49.054)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (39:53.428)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (40:00.442)

Mm-hmm. Do you ever or when you're working with a mom is there ever a point where you're like This toddler needs therapy or play therapy or something like that I don't know if you speak into that space at all or if you do anything there But are there certain things that you look for in that?

Kristin Mize (40:16.057)

Sure.

Absolutely again in the toddler years I Really something would have to be really alarming to stand out But as soon as we start getting mom and then we get that on board to let's say our partner on board But honestly if we can get mom more calm and regulated on a regular basis again Even just for my own personal experience. We know like things are going to calm naturally in In the home, I will say I'm a huge advocate for both

Aligned Birth Podcast (40:28.318)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (40:36.084)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (40:43.658)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (40:46.987)

If kiddo is either having a lot of sensory issues or hyperactivity or anxiety, I'm a huge proponent, especially the younger there, for chiropractic care too. Because a lot of that too is just truly just coming from their body. They're not trying to give you a hard time about their socks. It feels bad and their body is sending off 10 different alarms and so they're going to have a freak out. A lot can be guided and aided with nervous system regulation through chiropractic

Aligned Birth Podcast (40:57.897)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (41:01.982)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (41:09.555)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (41:16.279)

regular chiropractic adjustments. Huge proponent of that, did that myself, did that with a kiddo of mine with anxiety. And so that can be helpful, but absolutely. If they're really having a hard time with their kiddo, I recommend therapy for some, but a lot of times it's the coaching and the guiding that I give them for parenting tools and techniques that can also...

Aligned Birth Podcast (41:18.281)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (41:42.41)

Hmm.

Kristin Mize (41:45.517)

be helpful. If a kid goes to therapy, it's really like, parent has to be heavily involved as well, you know, because it doesn't just work by sending. A lot of times that's sorry, I'm like, but a lot of times if I hear something like my child needs therapy, I'm like, okay, well, a child in therapy does no good going back into an environment that is the same.

Aligned Birth Podcast (41:46.334)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (41:51.55)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (41:56.755)

No, go for it.

Aligned Birth Podcast (42:08.298)

Whoo, that's big. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (42:09.717)

Yeah, right. And so mom or dad and or both need to be doing some work as well. Because it was one of the biggest frustrations I had even working with young adults who were still involved with their parents way back before I started into maternal mental health space. I loved working with young adults with mental health struggles. But if they were going right back home into an environment that was, I was like, this work is really.

Aligned Birth Podcast (42:17.098)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (42:38.937)

Hard to do.

Aligned Birth Podcast (42:39.082)

and you feel like you're on the hamster wheel. Well, I see this a lot. My stepdad the other day when they were in town at dinner asked, what's the hardest part of what I do? And I was like, getting people to like exercise, like move their body. It had nothing to do with chiropractic care, to adjust them. I think he was thinking along those lines and it was like, no, I think, and it's just.

Kristin Mize (42:50.372)

Hmm.

Kristin Mize (42:55.752)

Mm-hmm. Yeah? Sure. Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (43:07.006)

people making time for that. So it's kind of the same thing in the aspect of, I don't know what we're expecting. Yeah, but mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (43:12.783)

practicing. Again, the hardest thing I think I can get people to buy into is practicing breathing, mindfulness, meditation, certainly some type of movement. But when you practice, I promise I please if anyone is out there listening, the way that I started this journey of like being the calmer mom that I wanted to be is I started breathing, I set a timer for five minutes at night once I put the kids to bed in silence, and I did deep breathing now.

Aligned Birth Podcast (43:20.094)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (43:41.901)

And that's where it started and it just grew from there. It's like habit stacking, you know, but that's the first thing I did. That's the first thing I could commit to five minutes. If you can't commit five minutes to yourself, you need my phone number, but also, but you know, so it's that simple. If you keep going and when people do, I'm like, thank you, Jesus. know, so.

Aligned Birth Podcast (43:43.006)

Mm-hmm. I don't agree from there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (43:53.98)

We've got bigger problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.

Aligned Birth Podcast (44:03.262)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (44:07.716)

Mm-hmm. Yeah, because then you see the real results and the real shift and the potential in the body and the ability to adapt and heal and you know, like it's I don't know It's hard. It's hard. I get it. I get it Mm-hmm

Kristin Mize (44:22.991)

I know. It's hard. I've been there. But I make this plea. like, I was exactly where you were. was raging out on 285, if you're from Atlanta. You know 285. And I got to daycare late, and my kids were, and I was a super anxious, angry, overwhelmed mom. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I was so worried about the daycare workers hating me. And I show up, and my kids look fine. But as soon as they saw my face,

Aligned Birth Podcast (44:35.786)

my god.

Aligned Birth Podcast (44:47.752)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (44:52.727)

they started melting. were like, you know, because then I'm like, come on, we have to go, we have to get dinner. And I rushed them into the car. And from that point on, they were off the chain. That was the night that we all ended up crying. And it's because I showed up with all of this, you know, anxiety and stress and frustration and overwhelm. And they feel that. And so, you know, however, now I can check myself. I'm not perfect.

Aligned Birth Podcast (45:01.436)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (45:13.246)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (45:18.359)

My teenager told me a weeks ago, Mom, your energy started this. I wanted to punch him in the throat.

Aligned Birth Podcast (45:23.37)

But that's so beautiful that he said that, that he knew it. Aww.

Aligned Birth Podcast (45:32.733)

No.

Kristin Mize (45:36.098)

You

Aligned Birth Podcast (45:36.89)

Yes, here is the mirror.

Kristin Mize (45:38.923)

Yes, totally. And so if anyone is out there saying, okay, lady, you want me to breathe, it is so much about showing your body safety, showing your body calm so that you can show up more likely calm and responsive instead of on edge and reactive.

Aligned Birth Podcast (45:49.865)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (45:56.618)

Hmm

Aligned Birth Podcast (46:00.69)

Yeah, I hope and I know I think I said this last time that people had some light bulb moments with this. Did you have any other tidbits or things that you wanted to mention in the aspect of know, toddler behavior or how we want to show up as a parent differently than how we were parented?

Kristin Mize (46:26.041)

think, you know, what I always tell everyone is no matter where you are in parenting, you are certainly not alone. You are not the only one who feels like they're messing up their kids at times. I do too, right? The most important thing is number one, be so, treat yourself the way you would treat a friend.

Be compassionate and kind to yourself even on your worst day because the most important thing about parenting is connection. It is not about getting it right every time. And so if you can, if you do have a meltdown, if you do have a misstep, all you need to do is go back and repair and reconnect. And that is just saying, I'm so sorry, buddy. Mommy had some really big emotions. Mommy felt really overwhelmed.

Aligned Birth Podcast (47:01.162)

Hmm.

Kristin Mize (47:18.883)

and I'm going to work on that. when your child, number one, you're taking accountability, but you're also showing them everybody makes mistakes and it's okay to make mistakes, right? And so it's a real huge teaching tool no matter how young your kids are. There's always an opportunity to repair and reconnect. And it's okay if it takes you a moment to get there too. You have to come back to them calmer.

Aligned Birth Podcast (47:20.98)

Mm-hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (47:31.498)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Mize (47:48.623)

But just treat yourself with grace and compassion and it will help you get a lot farther than beating yourself.

Aligned Birth Podcast (47:57.938)

Hmm, very, very, very important to kind of share that. appreciate that. Where can people reach out to you and connect with you?

Kristin Mize (48:04.321)

Yeah, of course.

Kristin Mize (48:09.301)

Absolutely. I am on Instagram. I'm pretty active. Don't make fun of my reels. They're a little cringy, but I do give a lot of tips, tricks for moms. thank you, for moms and parenting. But that is at CalmMomCollective on Instagram. We're all trying to be calm, right? And my website is KristenMize.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-I-N, Mize, M-I-Z-E.com. And there's actually...

Aligned Birth Podcast (48:17.808)

I love your reels.

Kristin Mize (48:38.095)

a way you can message me if you have interest in learning how to work with me. As I mentioned, I do counseling in the state of Georgia, but a lot of what I do is coaching because it's about educating and giving tips, you know, strategies. And so I can offer that to anybody in the world, which is really cool. And so kind of giving you a roadmap of what to work on for yourself so that you can work on with your kids or your partner more calm and regulated as well. So.

Aligned Birth Podcast (48:47.946)

Hmm.

Aligned Birth Podcast (48:55.988)

Yeah.

Aligned Birth Podcast (49:06.312)

Very good. Well, thank you so much for joining today. This was, I learned a lot. I took a lot of notes and I'm going to implement the things that we talked about and continue to just show up and apologize where necessary. That's all it is.

Kristin Mize (49:13.803)

Awesome.

Yeah

Yep. Yeah, exactly. yeah, nobody has this perfect. There is no such thing as perfect.

Aligned Birth Podcast (49:26.375)

No, nope, nope, nope, we're all in it together. Again, thank you so much for joining me on the show today.

Kristin Mize (49:30.479)

Okay.

Thank you so much for having me. It was great.