Ep 51: How to Support Someone Who Just Gave Birth

In this episode, Dr. Shannon and Doula Rachael discuss tips for ways to best support someone who just gave birth. This is great for the partner or spouse as well as for close family and friends…anyone providing support to a new mother. The goal is to provide practical and actionable tips for supporting new moms in a meaningful and beneficial way.  Family and friends usually have good intentions with wanting to help but they may not know exactly what the birthing person needs. As the birthing person, it is helpful if you can know ways to ask for help and if you are the non-birthing person, pick a few of these tips that align with you and do those things. With authentic and meaningful support, new mothers have a greater chance to focus on rest, healing, nourishing herself and her baby.  This kind of support has the potential to provide benefits for months and even years to come. The inspiration for this episode came from Kier Gains, a licensed therapist as well as an article on Motherly.com.
Resources:

Motherly Article - 14 Ways to *Really* Help a New Mom

Kier Gaines Instagram

Kier Gaines - 3 Things Non-Birthing Parents Can Do When The Baby Comes
This podcast was created from a desire to share conversations and interviews about topics from pregnancy and birth to motherhood and the importance of a healthy body and mind through it all.  Our goal is to bring you fun, interesting, and helpful conversations that excite you and make you want to learn more.  We hope what we share will make an impact and help someone else along their journey.  We believe that when you are aligned in body, mind, and your intuition, you can conquer anything!  If you like what you are hearing and you don’t want to miss our newest episodes, be sure and tap subscribe. Your support is greatly appreciated.
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Transcript

0:03

Hello hello aligned birth podcast family followers friends. We're excited you're here today Dr. Shannon here do Rachel's with us as well. And we're gonna have a wonderful conversation talking about how to support someone who just gave birth. And this isn't just for that partner that loved one that one, you know, that lives in that same household as the person who just gave birth, but this can also be for friends and family. Because that's a big life change, right, bringing it new life into this world. And we want to be supportive and we want to help but what are some really practical, authentic ways that we can help in that genuine way that is actually going to provide that support? So this is going to be outside of the concept of like, Hey, want to come over and have a baby. So we're really excited to chat about this. We've got some inspiration today from Instagram, and so websites and lists that we found so Rachel are just going to have a little chat today about it. And we're so excited to hear so, so good to talk to you today. Rachel. Yes girl. I love this and what I love is that it is like real specific things that people can do for both the partner and close family and friends to really support the new mom in a way that's going to help her rest and recover and heal in a really effective and meaningful way. I agree. And you know what's funny with this one, too, what I like so we when we were going through our topic list and like what do we want to talk about today? I had said, like, I can't really like this video I found on Instagram. So I sent it to you and you're like, oh my god, this is amazing. I was like I know and then you were like, Oh, I found this list. And I was reading through the outline that we made. I was like oh my god I love this list like shaking my head the whole time in that this is so yeah, so I'm really excited about are to kind of outside sources that helped formulate this giant list. Yes. I think the the reality is just that the what we're sharing isn't anything necessarily original, but it's putting it in a way and sharing it with as many people as we can so that people have the resources and people like can listen and then think oh man, like I heard a couple things that I can do for someone. I can go do those right away or the next time someone has a baby or for my partner or if you're a birthing person and you're listening to this you can share this with your partner or your close family and friends. So it just, I think, especially I love Kia Gaines, which was our inspiration for this whole topic and he's on Instagram and he's a digital content creator and he's a he's a licensed therapist, and he's wonderful. And so the video you sent me about like, ways that the non birthing person can support the new mom is just like brilliant because I see this a lot with our clients and new especially like first time new dads where they are like, and they don't even sometimes go helpless. They might feel helpless and they don't even know that they're gonna feel helpless, like you just don't even know until you're in it. So having this advice beforehand is I think the person tools things that they can do so that they don't feel helpless. So they feel like an active participant and then it helps the new mom in a way where she's not having to ask necessarily for for certain things and she will still ask for things. I hope she does encourage like asking for what you need, but this will help take some of that burden off and really help her feel supported. And let me tell you what, like a good successful healthy postpartum is, is mostly about support. Yes. And though what you had said to as far as the it can be exhausting with people being like what do you need? We I don't know. I don't want to answer any more. Questions that I want to say. Like just just helped like see a need. Let's let's do something about it. So his What did he had, it was called three things non birthing parents can do when the baby comes so he's speaking from the point of view as a dad. I think he's got a couple kids. I don't know I just you know again, just seeing what he's got out on in the social media world. But he's holding this sweet baby, and he's talking about and it's just three things like and I love that it's just simple. And it's so practical, what he talks about. So the first one was, he says do it do the repetitive tasks.

4:31

And that's This is the prevents you from having to ask, What can I do to help? So what are the things that we noticing that need help with? Right and we also know the answer to that, you know, what do you need help with everything? All the things? I don't know, that's my mind. That was his thing. He was like if you ask what can I help you with? They sometimes will say nothing but the real answer is everything and you they don't know how to say exactly what it is they need because it feels like it's too overwhelming. So he talks about the repetitive tasks that you can help with like cleaning the supplies so like if you're cleaning like the newborn supplies like the bottles are pumping equipment or dishes, laundry, you know the floors, any sort of chores around the house is always a go to right. Refilling her water. I always say every time she sits down to nurse if she's nursing or pumping, bring her a big glass of water that just always looking to make sure she's got a full glass of water sitting near her so she's not feeling like she has to get up or ask for it. It's so easy. It's so easy to just feel like yes, I go back to my postpartum and I remember sitting in the nursery and you know at one of those feedings at like, you know, Zero Dark 30 And you're, you know, you're tired. That's when I remember seeing my husband, he would get up with me for a little bit, you know, and he kind of just, you know, he'd like stand in the doorway and hover and then I got to the point where I was like, okay, like, now you're just hovering like I'm trying to do this, but he would go and he was like get water like he knew. Okay, I am not nursing this child right now. But like what can I do? So he would get water and then eventually got to the point where I was like, okay, I'm good here. Let's get you some sleep because I'm going to need you on duty in the morning when I want to sleep a little bit longer. So yeah, and sometimes if there's really nothing to be done, and they one person should be sleeping, that person should be sleeping. The same goes for the for the birthing person, the mom, if you know they're switching off duty and then you need to be sleeping. You don't need to be hovering, usually so everyone's getting sleep. And then the other thing too that that is part of that just do it is food. So either making food if that's your jam or ordering food, everyone needs meals and snacks throughout the day, especially annually postpartum monitors, especially if they're nursing.

6:49

And so you know, you don't have to make gourmet anything but definitely try and keep it healthy and things that she likes and if making foods not your jam, then where can you order food from just and doing it and wow, having meals done for you during and we're probably going to touch on this a lot in this conversation. The meals are necessary. So that's one thing that the partner can do. And that new you know, new like postpartum time I just saw something I even showed this to my husband I feel I don't remember it is on social media and it was someone that had saved like, their partner's favorite meals from like different restaurant like one was like Subway one was Chipotle or something like that and they had saved it in their contact information or something. That way if it would be like, Oh, where do you want to get food from here? Instead of me having to say you know when we go to Belize, I always get the corn salsa and sour cream and you know like and that is like That's love. In my head. I was like, Oh, that is love, especially when we love food like I do.

7:54

And how often I can't decide what I want or I don't want to like articulate it and especially with that postpartum new Mom Brain. Like this is brilliant. So partners listening and married, not married or super close friends or family pay attention and make those notes and use that in that time where you're just like I'm gonna show up with some food and it's probably going to be their favorite because I paid attention before.

8:17

The big one that sits with me too with is the cleaning of the supplies. Because even when I and this is way postpartum so three months later, you know going back to work the and I was pumping, the amount of things that need to be cleaned.

8:36

It's not directly related to the number of people in the house. It is like so many things that needed to play this from bottles to the pump, and it was just, it was this never ending like cleansing of the bottle. So that is a huge area that can be held especially if you share that load. You know, I'm not saying you know, mom doesn't do anything. It's just really sharing that load. Yeah, and honestly, though, in the first few weeks, she shouldn't be doing a lot. Her focus is caring for the baby recovering healing. So while it should be shared, I get that it's also like, if we can take as much off her plate as possible. She's gonna be it's gonna be easier for her to rest and recover and your body has to do a lot of healing on the inside after birth. So taking that time seriously, like the whole the formula is like five days in the bed, five days near the bed and five days around the house. And that's your approach. That's like your first 15 days of postpartum and when you take that real serious, you're gonna have a easier recovery and how we can help that happen is to do these things for her. Yes, help, help, help help.

9:50

The next one, he mentioned was just listen, and the aspect of like asking questions, and not just the like, hey, what do you need help with or those type of things again, too, but this is like the really like, checking in. Right and how are you feeling? Supported today? You know, those types of questions.

10:11

And really listening to that response. And then kind of gauging from there as far as how can I support this? You know, do you just need a listening ear just to be like, Oh my gosh, I was home all day you were at work baby was crying like I've lost my mind type of things. So listen to that. And sometimes it's just listening. Like all those examples you just gave are real and not necessarily fixable and don't need a remedy. They just need to be vocalized. And then a good question instead of like jumping in and trying to figure out how to fix it is how can I support you better? How can I how can I help you get some rest this evening? How can I you know, what do you need from me or something like that? Just like asking these like, these more genuine or deeper questions instead of like, seeing it as a problem that needs absolutely solved. It's almost like okay, I'm just gonna listen and be here for her and give her a sounding board via shoulder to cry on via a listening ear, and then find out like, like you said, exactly what you've said, just like how can I support you through this or what do you need or something like that? Exactly. What support do we need? And the answer might be, I don't know. And that's a really hard question to answer. And that's why the just listen is so important there is because sometimes if you feel like there's not like, an identifiable way to support them, and then just listen and tell them what to say, Yeah, how about a hug, good long hug or this is so hard. I'm sorry, you had a hard day. Like I you know, when this isn't about you, I see you I hear you Yes, yeah. And it's not competition. You're tired to both people are tired. Both people have hard days in different ways. You know, it's not a I was had the struggle with the baby and I had a hard day at work and whatever it is, it's, this is hard. And we're in it together like that. And that feels a lot better than someone trying to fix it because I think we know a lot of times the stress that comes from those new days, early days is sometimes just not fixable. It just needs to be normalized and validated.

12:19

Yes, I know. I know. I remember those days.

12:23

And the third one that he says is talking about the hands dirty, and I feel like he talks about okay, well, I'm not nursing, you know, and not doing that aspect of things, but I can change the diapers. You know, and just saying like, I can't take that load and that task because nursing takes like forever, especially in the early days. I feel like you're just like there's something constantly attached to you. So he comes in and talks about taking off those like exhausting tasks. Well and the baby almost always, especially in those early days, peas and or poops every time you feed. Like there's a lot of wet and dirty diapers in those early days. So if you say okay, I'm on diaper duty, then that's like every time there's a feeding. She's doing the the feeding and you're doing diaper duty, and my husband did this because someone had given us this advice. And he owned it and it made him feel like he was an active participant and it made him like, you know, and then I felt good. I was like, I know I don't have to be already thinking about getting up and changing and if they blew out the diaper and need a new fresh clothes it's like no, that goes to, to him or the person who's helping you in that moment.

13:34

And so, obviously, fully understand that not everyone has a support person there and if you're in this by yourself, whoever is in the home supporting you at any given time, this is a great thing. You could, you know, talk to them. About of like if you're around, coulda, woulda coulda. Could you help me with diaper duty. It's a huge lift. Exactly. And we all know that babies love to poop and pee and clean diapers. Yeah, and I think too, is that like some partners, spouses.

14:05

Who are not who didn't give birth feel, and even extended family who didn't give birth might feel like they need to do something to be connected to the baby. And a lot of times people associate feeding with that. And so they might feel like if I'm not feeding the baby, I don't have an opportunity to be to bond or connect. And so the tips for like, it isn't just changing the diaper. It's you can sing a little song to them while you're changing the diaper. And once you've got the diaper changed, or you can even do a little baby massage, you know while they're on the changing table and you can once they're you know dressed and got a clean diaper on and everything you can consume them and sing to them and snuggle them and smell them and kiss their head. And there's like, that's all kinds of bonding and connection opportunity. It's how you see it. It's not just doing the dirty job. It's also like taking that as an opportunity to connect with your baby. And so when you see it that way, it's like oh, cool, cool. I'm excited to do this. This is my responsibility. The lead generation may changing diapers.

15:04

Hiding Yeah, it's that lens, that perception that shifts that change. Yeah, I love it.

15:11

So those are just three things that he mentioned. Obviously he's got lots of stuff online, and it was just a real quick thing. And now check out his Instagram. Yeah, he's got some good stuff. And we have the actual video that he did on this link. So yeah, it's so good. It's so good. I loved it. And then you found an article from motherly on this topic, correct? Yes. And it's 14 ways to really help a new mom and so like the really was sort of in like emphasis, because there are lots of things that people think that they can help but this is like really helpful ways to help a new mom. And I think there are lots of things here and this is not to say that if you are a close friend or family member that you should do all of them. I take it as listen to these things and hear what sounds good to you where you feel like you can show up and decide to do that for the next person who has a baby in your life and say okay, I can do this and do it differently. The goal is to kind of shift the, the cultural ways. I think that some people perceive that postpartum care like, Okay, I'm going to, I'm going to bring a meal and I'm going to hold the baby for an hour or whatever and then I'm going to leave you know and the goal is to show up really in a more meaningful and effective way to support the new moms so that they can continue to heal and recover and feel truly supported again, because support is so, so important. And as the person showing up you want to I know most people really want to show up in a meaningful way but they don't know how or they haven't heard all the different ways and things that can be done so that's what we're sharing this list because I think it's really great because we started this and I was gonna work on my own. Like what I thought would be good and it pretty much this is it. And then same I was gonna write them and I was like, oh, yeah, this is yeah, this was Yeah, exactly. I wanted to say and more. Yeah, so we're gonna kind of go through the 14 things kind of share our little tip, you know, expand on it a little bit. But then of course, we've got it linked in the resources so you can check it out.

17:15

But yeah, I think this is a really wonderful place to get started to help provide guidance for supporting the new mom. Yes. So the first one that has on here is this helper sleep. So and obviously this is this is best for someone who is in the household with them. Although, you know, sometimes being able to come over and like hey, let me do these things while you nap or something though for sure something that is helpful because I know you probably want to see your friend just gave birth and she wants to do but I'm looking at those best ways to support you know, you can you could come over and bring a meal and you could come back at some time and say hey, I'm gonna set this up and give you that time to rest. Well, yeah, the reality is in the in the very nearly postpartum is that we don't just sleep at night. And we have to see the the day as a 24 hour window instead of night and day. Because obviously we're used to we sleep at night for most of us and we are awake during the day but when you have a baby, they don't have that. So if you want to see the schedule is 24 hours. Your goal is to try and get seven to nine hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. And so that when people are only getting a few nights of a few hours of sleep at night, and then choosing to be awake during the day, choosing or meeting to stay awake during the day. You were out and that exhaustion compounds Postpartum Mood disorders, anxiety and stress and so how can we support the new mom new birthing person to get sleep and so that sleep doesn't always occur at night. And so how can we help her sleep and the reason we talked about it needing to be a close family friend or someone who's in the home, but it can also be out someone outside of the home but it needs to be someone who the birthing person trusts. So you know, you know if you're that person, right, you know, if you're not that person, then this is not the thing you're going to show up and do because the reality is is she needs the birthing person needs to be able to kind of check out and truly relax and know that her baby's taken care of and we can't we don't do that with everybody. So the idea is that this works for people who are pretty close and feel trust and you have to show up and have a plan and say, I know you need an hour or two nap I've got the baby go like I'll come get you if she's upset or needs to feed or something like that. And other and that's and you go and you encourage true like go take an hour or two and then that helps that person get to that seven or eight, nine cumulative hours of sleep. And that is how you can really make a difference.

19:46

I know see, it's possible for those in house and outside of the house right now the next to kind of go together in that aspect of like you you can be in the house or out of the house to help with this but like the potential of hiring a cleaning crew or like going in on a gift together to like sharing the loads of like something that you can do helpful. So if you can come over and help load unload the dishwasher, those type of things, maybe fold laundry, the laundry that never ends when you have a baby like all of those things are helpful but also looking at hiring that out or gifting that to them can send you a great like baby shower gift or postpartum gift. And either if you're able to fund that by yourself or go in on a group gift and and get a cleaner. I think it's great to get permission from the family first to make sure they're comfortable with having someone from the outside come in and and give that to them. You know I've heard stories where people who give birth outside of the home while they're at the hospital or birth center, someone like usually like the mother in law or the mother or really pretty close family friend well hire a cleaning crew to come in so they come home to a clean house.

20:58

Which is really nice that that you can do it at any point in that postpartum and I think it's brilliant. If you're not if you're like I can't show up and clean your house for you or do your chores, but I can't contribute to a gift car or you know, paying for that service and even doing it of hiring it out for a few times like once a month. For the first three months. Like that's not unreasonable like I would rather money be spent on that than on fancy gadgets or may not use. That's my personal opinion, obviously. And then the third and then the third one is that that pop in and do something and so you know we encourage our clients to to make a list of those household chores that they know that they can use help with that they wouldn't mind people helping with so loading the dishwasher, running a load of laundry, walking the dog, sweeping the floors, whatever it is that really you know will need to be done that is easy for other people to do. And then you kind of write up a little how to, like you have a list and you put it on your fridge so that people don't have to ask you and then when they do pop in, it's like okay, I can do this thing and I have all the information I need to do it. I'm gonna go do it. And like it's not about a visit. It's not about it. Let me hold the baby for 30 minutes and then do a chore. It's a true like, pop in, do a thing and go like that's it and you and it's easier said than done. And I know a lot of people I have lots of clients who are like cringe at the idea of someone coming in and doing things for them. It is culturally this weird like either we have to look like we can do it all ourselves or we don't want people in our business or we don't want to put anyone out or whatever. And we say get over that and work to get over that and the posts in the pregnancy right? So that come postpartum you're like yes, come help me.

22:48

And then as the friend you're like okay, I'm gonna give them a heads up Pamela Come on, walk your dog. You know, see in a few minutes and then that's it. You come off the dog and then you go, that's it. So simple. It can it can be it can be right. My mom came and she like cleaned out the fridge. I didn't even know she was cleaning out the fridge. I guess I don't know what I was doing. And I came out it was like, oh my god, I open the fridge. This is amazing. Yes. Now that is not gonna fit for everybody. Right? We just did reverse story with Jessica, a little bit ago and I remember telling her that in the office when she was in and she was like, Oh no, no, no, because she's like a type one on the Enneagram and she needs things in a certain order. She's like, Oh, that sounds that's brings me more stress. So that's where that prep during pregnancy to say this is what would be helpful for me and not bring me stress as well to me by me walking the dog is better than cleaning up the fridge. Exactly. And when you make that list, it's like and we get from and then I always say hang it up where people can see it that way. It's like Matt this like, you don't have to ask necessarily. But if they see it as like, oh, I can help with this. And it's doing things that you're comfortable with them doing for you. So if cleaning out your fridge isn't one of those, then that's on the list. Also That's totally a mother or mother in law type of thing. Right? Like, they know you and they know like if that would be appropriate. That's usually just gonna shut that thing off. That's why her mom didn't do it. Right? He was like Nana, so I love that and I know we talked about it a lot. And for most people when I talked to them this whole idea it's easier said than done, but we just I want to talk about it more and encourage this type of help because this is what we sort of miss from like the village at you know, the village or community like where you're really helping each other. We all kind of keep our distances and walls up and like our our privacy and our space and I'm I'm that person to the from my first or my second I really embraced this, ask for help and let people help you with the second and it made a big difference it leads to a healthier postpartum. Totally. And I remember at one of the baby one of my baby I think it was for the first my mother in law got me. We didn't have with the house we had we didn't have the automatic like the garage doors like he had to manually open it. She got us the automatic garage door openers. She was like well, I just didn't want you to be like outside the range to bring in groceries at and that's what she said.

25:11

That's very unique but like those types of things do that is helpful in a different manner without maybe being you know, invasive in someone's face. So anyways, yeah, and I think I'm all about that. Yeah, bringing this kind of stuff up in like a baby shower, right if you're hosting it in shower or you're going to a baby shower, and like kind of bringing up these ideas or maybe creating a signup sheet of some sort and like, kind of start planting the seeds from that, like if you're the friend or family member and you're preparing for the birthing person's postpartum like if you put this on a list of or talk about the baby shower, it starts planting those seeds and people get more used to or when you're playing the baby shower you have like the registry is include house cleaning, grocery delivery services, postpartum doulas massages, I don't know all these things that are like you can kind of pool in funds for versus you know, 322 onesies

26:12

I love it. And that's a good segue into the next one because it's the next suggestion is to chip in for like a postpartum doula or night nurse and so yes, you can even add that to the registry. This is something like it's above and beyond a let me come over while you rest type of thing like this. This is way more intensive, I think. And, you know, there's just if you can't do that check in or with your offering that sleep aspect of things then being able to pitch in with their service is good. And so maybe you can describe a little bit more about because I know Hannah, with with you does a lot of the postpartum I believe doula we haven't as well. So we have Hannah and then we have one of our new team members. Lauren hay is a postpartum doula. And we're also looking at adding more postpartum doulas to our team because they are so incredibly valuable. And a postpartum doula is a trained professional, right. They have expertise and knowledge and caring for mothers and babies, helping with feeding helping with Baby Care, Baby soothing diapering, swaddling baby wearing white household chores. So like with just those things we just talked about, like the dishes and the laundry and the sweeping, things like that. And running errands by you know why errands and being able to identify and discuss Postpartum Mood Disorders and refer to professionals like this is like definitely next level and I mean highly recommended. This type of care is next to none and completely invaluable. You really it's hard to even imagine putting a price on it. But it's something that some people I think a lot of people think it's unattainable like how can I have someone come in like that but the reality is is like how we have it is and how it was formed. doulas do it as you do like a 20 hour contract or a 40 or a 60 hour contract and then you can use those hours in like four hour increments. So maybe it's one four hour shifts, one four hour shift a week. And then you do that for 12 weeks or something like if you're gonna do a bigger contract or you do for three weeks or not, no, that won't be right, like four or five weeks like so you spread it out. And can you imagine having you know, you know what, a day a week you get someone who's going to come in and help you with these things, how good that would feel.

28:38

Or you can have it where they're helping you every day or every night right? Like that's and you're gonna use all your hours up in the first two weeks or something like that. And then I mean, we can keep extending some people do it, you know, on and on. But some people just need it for this first few weeks or somebody will choose to do it.

28:53

Not necessarily as first few weeks because that's when they have a lot of support like man and that's what I was gonna say Yeah, but that later help the later how maybe around week four or something like that or whatever spouse has gone back to work. The parents are gone because I keep thinking back to you know, I'm sitting in the bathroom crying because my baby's crying. I don't know what to do, and everybody has gone out of the house and it sure would have been nice for someone to at least be like, Hey, okay, let me help the baby. You get some rest or something along those lines. That's someone that has that. That expertise and training that you might need more so than just a that listening ear sometimes, yes, the postpartum doulas can give that listening ear but it's like they can recognize certain things. They know certain ways to help without asking for what needs to be done. You know, just those specifics there. One I think it works too for other people who don't have a lot of family and friends around. And also if you do have a lot of alien friends around but they like asking them to help those wagon and convenient so having like, you know you're paying for someone and they're a professional, like it's almost like easier to let them help you. So if you're that type of person, then hiring someone might be better or if you just don't have a lot of family in the area, you know, you're new to an area military family or, you know, newly relocated, that's a great place to start and so it's it's a it's a big lift, it's expensive, but so as a birth doula, so it was a lot of things in our life that we decided to spend money on. But prioritizing and understanding this benefit of having this kind of support in the postpartum from a postpartum doula, is the benefits ripple. Like far beyond the time that you use? Whereas you know, other gifts are just things right so when we can shift and say what's what's money better spent? And if you're asking me, it's on doula, because I think that type of support just just has a greater benefit to the overall health and well being of the birthing person and the unit and the family unit and I think that is better than anything in the world. And that helps them be better moms, and that helps them be better participants in the community and live healthier, longer, better lives, all that stuff. That ripple effects. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right. Right. Um, the next one they have on here is talking about helping them go on a date.

0:00

Right right um the next one they have on here is talking about helping them go on a date night. And granted this might be a little bit later for you know six months they mentioned that after baby is around

0:16

four to six months when when it feels right and you feel

0:19

comfortable to leave the baby in good hands you know those types of things but have been that planned out or having that on the calendar and having that as an option can be really huge and it's totally fine if you just go out to dinner and you talk about your baby the whole problem probably what you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but you'll go I remember we went to a concert that was so much fun like it was just the end it was real like chill like concert in Atlanta with you know postpartum and that was that was fun to get away. And to have that little bit of time.

0:56

So yeah, prioritizing and so as the friend or family member, kind of, you know, and you know, you're your friend when it feels right. And you could always just put it out there and say, Hey, here's a gift card for dinner. Whenever you're ready to go, you know, I'll watch the baby for a couple hours. And the thing is, is that the Mac doesn't have to be six hours like it could be two hours and you could go not too far down the road and but just sort of choosing intentionally to focus on the relationship to be away from your baby, right? We love our baby. Love, love love. It's not about that. It's like saying okay, it's okay to be away and, and take a moment for yourself with your partner and your partner connection. You know, in that early postpartum tends to struggle that's just how it goes. So putting focus on that and that says a friend or family member, how can you support that and it's offering to provide childcare, giving them a gift card to go out, you know, and like, in a way of like, doing it for them and I don't know like in a not in a forceful way, but no, like, you know,

1:50

gently encouraging, giving a card and saying hey, here is um, I know you guys like this restaurant, here is a gift card there and they don't have to go out to dinner. They could go for lunch, you know, we get exactly and then and then put a little card in there that says this is like, you know, ticket for, you know, free babysitting services, so that they can do that.

2:12

So good. That's how you do it. Yes. So good.

2:14

I love it. And then when they don't use it, you just handle them. And you're just yeah, the follow up, interview the follow up. Do you know like if Hey, I really want you to

2:25

write and that's where you know it's genuine cuz sometimes you might get the gift and you may be like, Oh, do they do they know so when you follow? Yeah, and the printing Okay. Okay. Is now good. Is this week good? Is you know, do you want to look at next week, get it on the calendar. Let's you know, and obviously if that doesn't feel right for you as the burning the exact person and don't do it, and you could say thank you, but we'll use the gift card and order some takeout I'm not ready to be away from my baby like That's okay, two

2:53

cents there because that's still helpful. You know, it's still helpful. Yeah, then the next one's all there's a few that kind of deal with an surrounding food and the concept of food, there's bringing food, organizing a meal train and then helping to plan for future meals. So that would be kind of lump sum of those together. Sure. And just, you know, one thing I hear in the office and something that comes to mind specifically with this and even when we were coming up with this topic, this is what kind of sparked it for me a little bit was I had a mom who talked about you know, she just had her baby she was trying to nurse and having some digestive aspects to things and maybe some issues even before pregnancy. Sometimes that can flare up in pregnancy and then a flare up and postpartum. And she was like, we just we've been eating out. You know, that was what was easy. It was what was convenient.

3:51

It's probably what people were bringing to them maybe

3:54

exactly what they were brought was like oh yeah, you want some like really good comfort food. But it was translating into mom not feeling her best. And then babies can also have issues you know if we are nursing babies can also have issues with some of those foods to cruciferous foods or dairy and those types of things because everything is just so delicate and different there. So I'm just hearing that it was kind of like Oh man, that's not the type of support you know she needed. Right then it was more of knowing some of those dietary things and really being authentic with some of the things that we bring it over now,

4:39

aiming for mostly healthy, nutritionally dense food with consideration to the birthing persons in our family unit allergies or sensitivities or things you know, dietary restrictions, anything like that. So checking in and asking about those beforehand and then aiming for good, healthy, healthy ish and then a little bit of good stuff in there like it can you can still indulge and have the comfort foods, right but like you can try to aim for lots of really yummy. I mean good soups, like soups are really good. soups are easy. You could do a bone broth and a vegetable soup and like it's delicious. It's comforting and then you could do like a grilled cheese with it or something like you know, things like that. And if you're ordering out ration, yeah, yeah. And so you know, definitely there's never really several wrong to bring any kind of food people just appreciate it all the thinking about like, all the meals of the day. A lot of people tend to bring dinner, but we have breakfast and lunch and snacks and if there are other children in the home snacks and I always hungry and breakfast right? Yeah, cuz in lunch like how can you can you bring in you know, some some yummy breakfast food or lunch items or things like that outside of dinner. So trying to think about all the foods that someone might need and catering to that like you know a lot of people are bringing dinner over then aim to bring in a yummy breakfast casserole or

6:12

casserole lunch wrapped up and munch on that for day quiches

6:15

are really good and you could do Chris crustless quiches. I just did a couple quiches for a trip we went on from Costco and they were delicious and the ingredients are really good. And you know, I served 12 adults with just two quiches and so, you know, you should go to Costco and pick them up so like you're not necessarily always having to cook the food but like, Oh, that's a really good idea. And honestly quiche can be any meal of the day. So you know, thinking about that kind of that kind of mentality around when you're bringing food. Another thing to do or that a lot of people do is organizing a meal train. And there's apps of websites out there I think the one the main one is called meal train. And it's a free website and you can send it out and have people sign up for certain days and times to bring food and it's a good opportunity to put instructions in for dietary restrictions and allergies, allergies or food preferences or favorites or not favorites. And then instructions for like arriving at the house and where to put the food and I think if you're bringing food I always say especially in the early days, you know, knock and drop and go you know and and maybe plan you know, because when we visit that's exhausting. And if they're having a lot of visitors that can wear even if you're just sitting there talking so really think I'm gonna come drop some food off and I'm gonna save my visit for later in the postpartum because lots of people are probably coming by right now. But the mail chain can be organized by a close family friend and sent out via email and you just sign up and then the family gets an idea of when they're going to have food. So that's definitely an easy way to support with

7:52

food. Exactly. And then the aspect of planning for future meals. So or that's even you know, you can even do that in the late stages of pregnancy maybe have like a really cool like food prep day and you guys are just working in the kitchen and prepping Chili's or something you know things freezer meals, freezer meals that can be good that can be used in that postpartum or again, even stopping by the grocery store or and now we've got all those like, you know, you just kind of do it online and then have the groceries delivered type of thing. So don't use those things to your advantage.

8:28

Yeah, like if you're coming by and you're gonna help do a chore or you're coming by to maybe hold the baby while she sleeps or something like that. Offered around by the store and pick up the staples like is it you know, milk eggs, bread, salad mix, like whatever, staples that this simple and they're always kind of eating or protein bars or granola bars or whatever you can think of an endless supply of staples, you know, bananas fruit, oh my gosh, I ate so much fruit in my in my post farm so like bringing fresh fruit and stuff like that. And you did swing by the store and do it or make an order for them and have it delivered. Nowadays that's incredibly easy. And we'll also link there's this this article also about 12 nutritious foods to eat in that first month after childbirth. And so this is good for the birthing person and then also good for people if you're bringing in food for some inspiration for ideas of things, too, that are really good and nutritious and healing and healthy. Like one of the things I mentioned blitz was bone broth, right like that's such a good postpartum recovery food.

9:30

Yay. Um, let's see. Okay. So we're out of kind of like the food context of things. The next one talks about spending time with mom, like, you know, a lot of times, too everybody's focused on baby and asking about the baby and that's all well and good, but we can't forget to that. You know, a mom was born to right so we've got just checking in with her to that listening ear as well and just hanging out without the expectation of like, just coming to like, sit and chill. There's no I don't need you to like have things cleaned and prepped and a snack plate out while we're over and to entertain. You know, it's just going to to be there. Especially to when maybe after the dust settles and like that big rush of people at the beginning are gone. I know sometimes that's when it's really hard and things kind of settle in and it's like what's lonelier now you know how to talk to or

10:41

yeah, what's going on and that three to four week mark is huge. Like I know for me when my husband back to work which was on probably just a couple of weeks after the birth like that was the hardest thing for me because we had been like in our bubble and like just so like bonding and connecting it just was so lovely. And then no, that was me. You know, he needed to go back to work and things would be different after that, like I was very, very sad and very like I kind of grieved a little bit. It was weird. Obviously you have lots of hormones and stuff, but like, you know, having someone just come out and I did I had lots of wonderful support, but like people coming by and no big expectation just like you said, like just watch a movie and hang out. Maybe we don't talk maybe we do talk and maybe we choose to talk about things other than the baby if you want or you know, how are you doing asking like, truly like how are you doing? Have you had a chance to process your birth or do you want to talk about anything like just be there be a listening ear be comforting, low expectation, you know, and when it feels feels right I think that can really you know, prevent that postpartum isolation from settling in

11:44

there because that is a real thing. You know, and the truth is, there's a whole new routine to life that comes in. And so even sending like little encouraging notes or texts or just checking in that can be super helpful too. So if it's a lot for you to come, you know stop by and those type of things just like hey, I am thinking about you. I'm an era you know, those little things just so that she knows. She's still a person to write you know?

12:12

Yeah, nothing is nicer than like a note handwritten is awesome, but a text also just genuinely like you don't have to reply just thinking about you checking in. Those always feel really good to me like that. Sometimes you get a text and I'll have to reply and that feels like a task. Another task you have to do is sending something that lets them know you're thinking about them that you're there if you need them, but no need to reply. I don't need anything from you. I'm just thinking about you like Wow, that feels amazing.

12:43

Yes. And I want to skip ahead on a little list too, because this kind of sends in my like the last thing that I had on here was like telling her that she's beautiful but again like focusing on mom and letting her know like you're more talking about things besides the baby like what you had just said. And so it's that kind of that that fits in the same realm of that as checking in with him as a person and letting them kind of process the new thoughts. And emotions that they have. I love that. And then they mentioned something else too about bringing something specific for her. I always like having flowers in the house. You know, I know fresh flowers die and I get that but like I love having that in the house like it just the mood, the tone the energy, it's uplifting, totally very sweet to have and to bring or something very specific

13:37

for her for her not for the baby right not even for like breastfeeding. Those are great gifts too but think about you know, is it her favorite dark chocolate is it a yummy soft robe even if like from Target they have like the softest robes it doesn't have anything crazy, you know or you know slippers or comfy PJs or I don't know things that that you know, make her feel good and feel happy and see her you know if they you know they really like candles, you could do they make some pretty, you know, good candles these days. I'm a big fan of like, I don't love artificial fragrance so, you know but I like an

14:17

essential oil diffuser, you know something? Something like that. That's for her Yeah.

14:24

You could do like those Epsom salt bath balm things that have essential oils in them and so they can take a bath of those. So yeah, I think gifts for her specifically is really nice, not just gifts for the baby.

14:40

Yes Um Okay, let's see there's only like a few more on here so helping with pets if they do have pets. We can't forget and pets are gonna go through their whole their own little adjustment period to with bringing the new baby and

14:56

oh my god yeah, and they need some attention. They

14:58

do need some attention and they'll probably wine I remember my cat I think my cat was just like what is going on? Why do you keep bringing these things in the house? When totally like stressed her out but helping you know whether it's walking the dog or even picking up like dog food cat food because that's just another little task to do. Well, were cleaning up the cat box. Golly, that was like my husband's least favorite tax. And he always was like, I feel like you're lying. You can't do this when you're pregnant. We still like it's odd to me about that.

15:31

Oh my gosh. I saw the other day and I don't know why it was in my you know social media serves you up ad sometimes and you're like how is this in my feed and it was a robotic. It was like Robo letter or something. I had a silly name. And it was this litter box that ran itself is self cleaning. And it was really easy to change. It was like I never clicked on it to see how much it was but you know, I learned about it. That's what I'm saying like if that is what you need then. But those tasks are great if you're popping over in and out and you're a dog person. This is where it's like when we give this list listening to things that align with you if you're a big pet person that's can be your job. You don't worry about any of the other stuff. You can say I got a friend She's got a dog. I'm gonna go walk the dog because that brings me joy and it's going to help her out. And so being on pet duty or offering at the pet you know you can raise your hand to your friend and say I'm great with animals if your dog needs to the vet or has any appointments or needs dog food hit me I got you

16:39

and even if you're like yeah I can Why do you have the dog come stay at my house for like if you've got a dog Yeah, our neighborhood better yeah, like it wasn't you know, not after birth but like, we just had a lot going on and it was that was another level of like, oh my gosh, did somebody let the dog out? How what are we going to do? I'm in the hospital birthing here. What have you what have you watched the pet and then that way, too, when you come to the house? It's like calm, calmer, you know because I know if my dog is just like when you got something new and then you can kind of slowly read Oh yeah, there's a whole art for work. Yeah, but that would be very helpful and alleviate just that one little thing of stress that's in her mind of like for sure that to take care of this, you know, and that

17:19

little bit of ease that little bit of ease is so nice. Yeah, if you can take the pet for that first week or so though. It's like my mom and dad took our dog for like the first week. And I was like he's living his best life. He is Oh yeah. And like, of course you're like I miss him and he doesn't care. He's running and play and and getting pet and my feelings here I'd be so annoyed. By but also on the note of like, registry or if you're a type of person who's like, I'm busy myself. I want to help. I can't go walk a dog. You can pay for a dog walker. You could find one. Make sure they're the people are good with it and be like hey, I'm gonna pay for five dog walks. Use them whenever you want. Hear the person's contact, and boom, it's done. And it's like, you know, because sometimes like, that's how I operate. I'm like, I don't always have a ton of extra time to go do these physical services. So I'm like, I will fund it. I'm like, I'll get you the gift certificate I read so like that's where my head went. Just been. I'm like, I love animals, but I don't have time to go walk dogs. So I could pay for a dog walker. That's a great gift.

18:25

Exactly. And so helpful. I am thinking outside the box a little bit. Um, okay, so this last one here. I really liked this one. Because it says take pictures. And you know, it's it's hard like you want to capture those moments too. And I think it's so nice. You know, sometimes as moms we're like always behind the lens always and I have so many pictures are like you know what, I really don't have any pictures of me nursing the boys and I don't know why like, I don't have any of those. And yes, that's a very intimate moment. So obviously we're, you know, checking, hey, do you mind if I take a picture like let's check. But I also want Long's to say yes, I don't care if you've had a shower or anything like that. You want to capture those moments because I don't think I have really hardly any of those and upgraded to I don't even think I had an iPhone. You know, when I had my day or so. We were like why do we have all these videos of our second you know, doing all of these things and my oldest is like where was I? And I'm like well, oh, here's a camera. We got to get those switched over. So yeah, so I'm that old, but just you know, take the pictures and be mom you've got to be okay with you've got to be in the picture, like you're gonna want

19:45

so this is what I say. And I think the tip is to is to offer any take the picture with their phone, which these days everyone has a most everyone has a phone that you can take pictures with. Okay, simple. Be like I'm going to use your phone that way. They're not worried about you putting it on social media. Are you doing something with it or having it for other people to see it's like, I can use your phone I can snap a few pictures of you holding your baby nursing your baby or just you during this time and you can do what you want with them and I you know because something and I'm like all I would say is if you if you take the pictures and do nothing with them, that's your choice right you have that choice. If you don't take the pictures. There's nothing you can you can't undo that. You can't go back and say and take pictures. And so I think in times on those new days when you're maybe not feeling yourself and you're just like exhausted and tired. You may not feel like you want them but then down the road and we can speak from experience. Oh yeah, I want those pictures. You want that time and capsulated but not in the moment. You may not feel it. So if you're the person visiting and you say hey, let me take a couple pictures with your phone. You can do what you want with them and that you'll be glad you have them versus never having them and we did this with our clients for labor and birth because we'll offer one we'll use your phone if you want pictures captured of the moment the baby's born and you can do what you want with them. Right because sometimes I thought gosh, I don't want to see that. I don't want that. You can either choose to see it or not. But if you don't have the pictures you can do you can't go back.

21:19

We can't go back. So yes, so take the pictures,

21:22

take the pictures and get in the picture. Mama get him a picture

21:25

sir. I have to mention this though, because I don't know if you've seen the memes about Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively absolutely love them. They're just like this killer adorable. But she always like take pictures of your husband and he's always like, Oh, he's smiling and put together for the camera and then like your husband review and you're like a hot mess and he got you like look like it's just and he's always doing that to her. And I freaking love it and I feel like that's how it is. So now I also want to preface Alright Dad, like let's work on this photography skills would

21:58

be be thoughtful with the picture. And don't just take the like, God love the favor and give her a chance to like, you know, or take a few like I'm like I'll take five because I can and then one of those there's going to be a good one. So dad JSON, it's

22:15

like one one at everything. I'm

22:18

like, I That's it.

22:20

I'm like, you gotta like do a few just kind of make sure we're not all making a weird face or, you know, so maybe take some iPhone etiquette picture. Yes. Practice I

22:31

don't know, take a bunch of pictures. I know that's it. That's the hey,

22:35

here's some tips. Lighting make sure the lighting is favorable and you know from behind the person taking the picture. You know a good angle,

22:44

angle and angle long way we don't have to angle up and up. That is not helpful. Let's think about just some basics.

22:56

I love it. I know so soon as I saw the list, I was like oh yeah, we got to talk

22:59

that's hilarious. And that's true. That is

23:02

true. You know all jokes aside, but Yes, Mom, let them take the pictures get in the picture. You won't regret that.

23:10

That's a good one for tat. I think that's a good one for dad. It's a good one for friends and family showing up and it is a good one for dad or the partner supporting because, yeah, take the pictures.

23:21

This was a fun one. I love these little topics and tidbits. Please check out the show notes though because we've linked everything. And you're definitely want to go see the full article on both of these and following career gains and all those sorts of things because there's lots of information out there and you can even send this to someone who is pregnant, just say hey, here are some ideas for you to send the articles send the podcast, all of those good things. Yes,

23:51

I love this had super fun. A lot of fun putting this together and having this conversation with you and I we hope you found it helpful and if you did, please do you know take a screenshot share it on social media. Tag us we are aligned underscore Berg and if you could leave us a review we would greatly greatly appreciate it. You know we've been doing this almost a year and it has meant the world to us anyone who has left a review so if you just have an extra moment can go leave a one or two sentence review we would greatly greatly appreciate it. It helps us get to continue to do this and create this and share it with more people and it helps more people will be able to find us so we greatly appreciate it and we hope you will tune in next week for a brand new episode.